too funny not to share

Don’t be afraid to laugh with us when we laugh at ourselves…  (my comment is almost worthy of a blog post)

http://mycrazycolon.wordpress.com/2011/12/15/1448/#comment-161

 

My comment:   So true!!! My frequent nausea and dry heaves will sometimes occur without warning and in the most inconvenient places (like there is any place that it is convenient to dry heave). I was standing in the line at a store when I started dry heaving. People turned to watch and after the wave passed, I simply said “Hairball.” and shrugged. Most people gave me that weak oh-you-poor-thing-you look but a couple people will burst into laughter. I love the ones who will quip something like “Put a bit of butter on the tip of your nose and lick it off….works for my cat.”

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Random Act of Kindness Update:  While running to the post office in the pouring rain I saw a guy walking with a soaking wet paper bag over his head.  I pulled over and asked if he wanted to trade the paper bag for an umbrella.  We traded (ugh on what to do with a soaking wet paper bag in the car….lol).  [Yes, I could have given him a ride but that would have lasted one time and the umbrella will last him much longer…besides, I confess that I am not comfortable giving strangers rides in my car unless they are really ancient and I know I could take them on *giggle*]

Did anyone else give/receive a Random Act of Kindness?

Remember:   “You may not be able to change the world, but you can choose to be a world of change for one person.” Each day, find that person and change their world. ~Dr. Katherine M. Howard

Three iron infusions down – two more to go.

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Additional thoughts/comments:

I have received some feedback praising me for my Random Act of Kindness.  My first response is “awww….wasn’t nuttin” but reality is that I made a conscious decision to do some small good deed that day. Would I have stopped on any other day…I don’t know….I would like to think I would have but I honestly don’t know.

It also wasn’t “nuttin” to the gentleman walking in the rain. I know when I receive the kindness of a stranger, it makes me feel really good inside and it makes me realize that the world is not a horrible bad place. I am sure my gesture touched him in a positive way.

I hope people understand that it is not about doing it for the praise…that is not why I am sharing this with others.  I am hoping to inspire someone else to do their own good deed.  Years ago I watched the movie “Pay it Forward” and it really stayed with me.  I hope that my good deed will “pay it forward” in motivating others into action which will further motivate more and more.  Imagine what it would be like if everyone got into the habit of helping/encouraging/supporting others…  This possibility makes me smile.

Mahatma Gandhi said it best “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

 

Rusty bucket – taste two

Had 2nd of 5 iron infusions today.  Bletch on the rusty nails taste.  Thank goodness the nurse is so pleasant and fun to talk to….helps pass the time.  Hemoglobin was 7.something yesterday.  Should start going up soon.

Had to have my stoma site (tube insertion site) seared with silver nitrate today.  Think about getting hand sanitizer in a cut and multiply times 10.  It’s becoming a ritual every two weeks which is way too often.

Have slightly elevated temp tonight (99.6) and will watch it carefully.  Voice sounds like I’ve been hanging at a smokey bar drinking whiskey.

Last craft show was on Sunday and it was “okay”.  Covered the registration fees and then a little.  1/2 way to cost of new tires (ooohhh be still my beating heart…the excite is almost more than I can bear).  Gotta love sarcasm.

Only 3 more days until winter break for kids….16 days….24/7….that reminds me that I need to go buy duct tape.

Haven’t started shopping and haven’t put up any decorations.  I am not “humbug” just not into the whole thing this year.  I know, I will need to put on my happy face and at least pretend a little for the kids.  I’ve told them that it will be very slim pickings this year and I know the boys understand…I am just not confident that it won’t end in disappointment (them) and guilt (me).  I struggle with what to buy them that I can afford and they will appreciate…socks just doesn’t cut it for a 16 year old or a 14 year old (not when they really want laptops).  Not even going to think about the girl and her comments.

I am staying mindful of the “happiness” quota for the day.  Didn’t hit the mark today although I did laugh at the clumsiness of the cat as she misjudged the distance of a jump and did a very ungraceful claw scramble/fail.  She glared at me as if it was my fault and then ignored me for hours.  Still makes me smile.

Donating a bunch of scarves to a local women’s shelter.  Feels good to be able to give to others – especially now that I know how tough it is to be on the receiving end.  If we all give just a little of what we are able to offer (natural talents, time, resources, whatever) it can really make a difference to those around us.

Wednesday is going to be “random act of kindness day” for me.  That is my challenge….find someone who could benefit from a small gesture of kindness. Not sure who/how/where/why/what – will include my results in the next blog post.  Meanwhile…challenge is on…will you take on the challenge and post about it?  Remember the movie “Pay it Forward”?

Licking the rusted bucket

Met with the Hematologist today to review my blood levels (my blood is tested weekly).  My hemoglobin has dropped to 8.something which means that I will need to have a series of five twice-weekly iron infusions again.  The doc thinks that after this next round of twice-weekly infusions that I should be able to keep my iron levels up with a regular monthly infusion….all part of the chronic anemia that goes hand-in-hand with the gastrectomy and Vit D deficiency.  Not looking forward to the unpleasant taste of rusted iron that occurs during the iron infusions.   I am hoping that some intense peppermint gum will help mask the rusted metal mouth.

I should have a little more tolerance to the cold once the blood levels are closer to normal.  I might have a little more energy but probably nothing to blog about.  Weight has stabilized now that I am doing the afternoon tubing.  Blood sugar is fairly stable as well.  Had a few weird dips but nothing like before.

On another positive note, it does not appear that my bone marrow is having problems producing red blood and it does not appear that I am bleeding internally.  Very relieved to get this information.  I think once a person has experienced cancer, it is way too easy to start fearing a return.  I am not sure if one ever “relaxes” completely when waiting for test results or discussions of  abnormal findings.  I know it is hard for me not to worry even if I am not fully aware that I am worrying.

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Found it impossible the other day not to try to eat one of my favorite holiday cookies – a small two-bite almond wedding cookie (you know the kind that are coated in powdered sugar).  I will be honest – it didn’t taste as delicious as I remembered and the dry crumbly cookie was hard to swallow dry.  About a minute later my system started to reject the cookie.  It is very hard to expell a chewed up cookie.  The cookie crumbles got caught in throat and the retching seemed more appropriate for an 8-course dinner extravaganza rather than a small cookie.  It was so violent that my son came out from his room to check on me.   My abdominal muscles are still tender.  No cookie is worth that.  Similar thing happened when I just had to swallow that small sip of ice cold 7up.  Even though the reactions are so unpleasant, it is difficult to give up food completely.  Sometimes the mental desire to eat/drink proves to be stronger then the memory of the last moment of weakness and the subsequent expulsions that could rival the little girl in The Exorcist.  But as time marches on, the moments of weakness are not frequent and consist of a small nibble or two.  Don’t remember last time I actually ate a full bite of anything.  It helps that taste buds are kept dull by the daily bile vomiting.

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 On a “time to shake the head” update….my anti-nausea medication has been approved for 10 pills every 4 days.  Considering I take 4 – 6 pills a day; this is woefully insufficient.  The fact that I have to call the pharmacy every four days to get 10 pills is asinine.  The fact that the pharmacy has to contact my doctor’s office and the doctor’s office has contact Medicaid EVERY FOUR DAYS is ludicrous.

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BTW…I am staying mindful of  the happiness prescription.  Nothing earth-shattering or blog-worthy to report yet.  I did laugh a lot as I convinced my son to model a newly created scarf.  He would make a lousy drag queen.

 

Treatment Plan: 2 doses of happiness each day

(What a corny title to this post…but appropriate.)

When I was growing up there were specific rules that had to be obeyed.  One of those rules had to do with staying home when sick.  If you were too sick to go to school then you were too sick to watch tv, go outside, play with toys, etc.  You were expected to stay in bed the entire day (and evening).  Guilt was heavily piled on just to reinforce the second rule – you must be practically dead before you are “sick enough” to stay home from school.

I followed the rules even into adulthood.  I seldom called in sick even when I was sick because I never felt I was “sick enough”.  And on those rare occassions when I did call in sick, I was worried that going to the grocery store was akin to breaking the rule of not leaving the sickbed or demonstrating that I wasn’t really THAT sick.

Guilt…fear….fear….guilt…

Fast forward to the present.  Last week I went out with a new friend to do a little window shopping and to check out a specialty yarn store ($$$$ yikes!).   We giggled and had a good time.  Afterwards, I was driving home and I felt terrible.  It took me some processing before I realized that I was feeling guilty for having a nice few hours with a friend.  I also haven’t told her about my medical issues and why I declined her invitation to go eat lunch with her at the cute little diner.  I think part of the reason I am enjoying our friendship (besides the fact she is a great individual) is because my medical issues are never discussed and she does not see me as “sick”.  I know that at some point I will need to explain a little regarding the inability to eat/drink….but I am in no hurry.

After more self-reflection, I realized that I have been ignoring this nasty little beast called Sick Day Guilt for quite some time.  It is like my brain is conditioned to believe that if I can’t work then I should be unhappy.  How dare I enjoy myself when I am on disability and unable to be a self-supporting member of society.  Nevermind that I am on feeding pump and iv for approximately 16 hours a day and nausea/bile vomit are my constant companions….deep down inside, I don’t feel like I am entitled to laughter or enjoyment.

I know there are definite physical reprecussions if I push myself with too much activity.  I know I don’t have 1/2 the energy or endurance that I used to have.  But, regardless of how many times a day I smile or cry, sit on the couch or window shop with a friend, I will still spend 16 hours on the pumps.  My body may be challenged to function properly but does that mean I should impose similar restrictions with regard to enjoying life?   Laughing  and spending time with a friend hasn’t stopped the bile, nausea and it doesn’t reduce the need for the feeding tubes….it won’t grow back a stomach or improve my blood iron levels.

My homecare nurse, Mary, has instructed me to enjoy myself/life at least twice a day even if it is simply a smile with one of my sons.  Giving myself permission to experience some enjoyment in life is my next goal.  I need to stop equating happiness with playing hooky.  No one is going to see me laughing and point their finger at me and scream “Fraud…you are supposed to be sick….stop laughing and be more miserable.  Go home and sit in your room until you are well.”

I may never be “well” as defined by my life before stomach cancer but I do believe that I can be “well enough”.  I should be able to stop defining my life because of my restrictions and start living my life mindful of my restrictions.  16 hours on the pumps means that I can spend around 3 hours each morning and around 3 hours each afternoon completely free of the pumps and there is no need to sit at home during these freedom hours afraid of being happy.

Today at the craft show, I also realized that I don’t have to explain to strangers why I have so much time to crochet.  I don’t have to apologize to them for the waves of nausea or the sound of giggles.

Tomorrow I might even crochet something that I have no intention of selling and I won’t allow myself to feel guilty for wasting my time/energy.  How scandalous!

Enjoy life with respect for your circumstances (what ever they may be) but don’t limit your ability to enjoy life because of those circumstances.

Finally, I end with these quotes…

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass…
It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.
– Vivian Greene

We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
– Joseph Campbell

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
– Anonymous

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
– Mark Twain

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
– Lao Tzu