Surgery scheduled

I am scheduled for bowel obstruction surgery on January 27th.  Met the new surgeon last week and completed the pre-surgical tests today.

I am dreading this surgery because I remember how unpleasant the last abdominal surgery was.  Hard to believe it’s been an entire year of this crap.

The plan for the esophagus issue is “wait and see” how I do after surgery.  Several docs think that the spasms will vanish once the obstruction is removed.  It doesn’t make sense to me and I fear they are not sure what to do next for the spasms so they are deferring any action until later.

I am taking the small laptop with me so I should be able to post an update while in hospital (4 – 5 days).

Until then, wish me well.

What?

I was getting ready to start a post and realized it is almost 2am.  So, instead of a long rambling post about who knows what, I am going to bed.

Stay tuned for update soon.

 

Dark clouds lifting

Been in a bit of a funk the last few days.  I tried to deny it, ignore it, dismiss it, bury it…but in the end I have to accept it.

Upcoming surgery is inevitable.  Weeks of recovery ahead of me as well as the pain that I know will be present for a while.  Last time, I went in blindly, not knowing what to expect.  This time I go in fully aware.  I am very reluctant to go under the knife again.

I keep thinking…what if.

What if they go in and find something more serious than scar tissue?

What if they don’t find scar tissue?

What if they fix the scar tissue and the surgery creates new scar tissue?

What if they fix it but I still can’t eat?

I am even worried about what if they fix it and I am I “cured” and I can’t find a job?

I know the Tibetan Dalai Lama saying “If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.”

I realize that worrying is a waste of my time.  I know I can’t not get the surgery…blah blah blah.  I know all this but that knowledge doesn’t bring comfort.

It hasn’t helped that I am having a lot of problems sleeping.  I find myself up until 3am even after taking a sleeping pill.

I know that some of the issues stem from the fact that I have not really found acceptance with the past year.  That and the fact I am so pissed off that 9 months of this past year could have been avoided had the surgeon not been so insistent that there wasn’t a partial blockage.  I’ve always had problems accepting anger in myself.  I know there is anger in me but not sure how to release the anger.

Some people are transformed after cancer.  My life has been turned topsy- turvey and my fragile hold on my finances ripped away.  My life has definitely been transformed but I don’t feel I have – does that make sense?  I don’t feel the missing stomach.  I don’t feel sudden release on life and joy at simply being alive.  I still find the little things getting to me and I still get frustrated.  I waste some days watching so-bad-they-are good B horror flicks and get nothing useful done.  I take long naps out of boredom and tiredness.

Where is all the energy and motivation and sense of “I am going to dance like no one is watching?”  Where do I go pick up my energizer bunny batteries?  When do I “change” into someone else?  Someone who confident about where they want to go in life – I thought I once knew but now realize I don’t.  How do I sign up to follow my passion (after I sign up to discover my passion).  Who am I kidding besides myself?  I got the feeling that I am not gonna get one of those life-altering moments when everything becomes crystal clear that so many others get after a cancer issue.

Mentally, I am still the same person.  Mentally, I am okay – really, I am.  I am not depressed – I know the clinical signs and they aren’t present.  I am just not peachy-king either.  I am simply, and physically, 365+ days beyond “the event”.  This is where my mind is still holed up and hiding.

This weekend I started cleaning out the apartment in prep for a possible move to another apartment.  I find that I am comfortable (first time ever) giving a bunch of  “stuff” to goodwill.  I went from 6 boxes of Christmas decorations down to 4 boxes.  I’ve gutted one bathroom and put all the nick-knacks in bag to donate.  I’ve been feeling closed in and a need to “cleanse” my surrounding area.

I am rambling and feeling a little woozy from the sleep medication.  Maybe I will take time write – or visit FB and LI to visit with old/new friends.

Maybe I will go on a “spirit quest” and look for the spirit that should be in me.  After all, if I am to spend the next 45+ year left on planet, I want to know how to do it right – where to go, who to see, things to do, and most importantly – who funds this?

Or better yet, get all my friends gathered around and have some type of intervention.

I have wasted so much of my life , I know I can’t reclaim the past.  I can only try to embrace it

I want to feel excitement

I want to feel free.

(edited because the original dribbled off into meaningless gibber)