Random babbling…
Posted by docdude on February 20, 2012
I read on another website about people thinking cancer is contagious and how some people have noticed the distancing of friends/co-workers. I thought about some of the people I have lost since cancer. I think many people pull away because they feel helpless or they are afraid/worried that they will be asked to provide more emotional support then they are willing to give.
I lost several friends due to my cancer.
Friend 1. She works at a hospital and said my cancer was liking bringing her work home with her. It was too “medical” and when she was off work she didn’t want anything to do with medical issues.
Friend 2. Her closest friend died of cancer a few years back and my cancer reminded her of that loss and she didn’t want to get hurt again so she decided it was better to sever the friendship.
Friend 3. Our friendship consisted of lunches, dinners, movies….now that I can’t do those she struggles to adjust to new options. She works during the day in the city and so it leaves evenings and weekends only. She is usually busy with family on weekends so that left evenings. Due to pumps, evenings are out for me. Too much of a bother and too inconvenient for her.
I do understand what their reasons are and although it hurts to feel “dumped” due to cancer, I try to focus on the good memories rather than the reason the friendship ended. I know that most people would view them as petty “not-really-friends” but that wouldn’t be a fair statement. We all have our limits and know what nurtures us with our friendships. Cancer treatment and the aftermath has limited my ability to nurture their needs and to meet them on equal grounds.
I respect their ability to come to terms with THEIR emotional limits and were honest with me.
I haven’t filled the friend voids – it is very difficult to get out and meet new people. I also hate to explain why I can’t meet them for dinner/lunch or an evening movie. I feel like it puts me in a position to have to apologize. I don’t like this feeling and so I do find myself pulling back and avoiding even my existing friends. I hate hooking up around people…I don’t mind their curiousity questions but I do mind having to explain some issues. I hate the pity or the “hope you feel better” comments. This is my “feel better”. There is no “feel better” cure/fix around the corner. This is my reality and I am struggling to find acceptance – I don’t need others to continue to try to keep me focused on returning to my old life.
It is a tough balance between taking care of myself by pulling away from some people and staying connected to people who care about me. I know everyone means well but it is sometimes not helpful to me. I know where I need to be mentally and it is definitely a journey.
Does anyone else experience similar? How do/did you move forward? How do you stop the “hope you get better” comments and move others into “acceptance” of your situation?
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With all the hoopla in the news lately about Susan Komen and Planned Parenthood I can’t help but wanna shout
THERE ARE OTHER CANCERS TO FUND BESIDES BREAST CANCER!!!!
For every dollar donated to breast cancer research, people ought to donate an equal amount to other cancer research. Everyone with cancer deserves a cure, support and encouragement. I don’t want to appear to be dismissing breast cancer support but it can often seem that all other cancers are not as worthy of curing. I’ve actually been turned down for financial assistance because I had stomach cancer not breast cancer…if you lose your hair to chemo from a non-breast cancer, you don’t get the wig/make-up etc assistance that you can get if your boobs are involved.
All the emphasis on breast cancer and pink ribbons seems to overshadow the harsh realities:
Cancer is a leading cause of death worldwide and accounted for 7.6 million deaths (around 13% of all deaths) in 2008. The main types of cancer are:
- lung (1.37 million deaths)
- stomach (736 000 deaths)
- liver (695 000 deaths)
- colorectal (608 000 deaths)
- breast (458 000 deaths)
- cervical cancer (275 000 deaths) (3).
About 70% of all cancer deaths occurred in low- and middle-income countries. Deaths from cancer worldwide are projected to continue to rise to over 13.1 million in 2030.
Yeah, I am probably being petty but look around – breast cancer is only one form of cancer. Your mother, sister, aunt, daughter, etc. can get stomach/brain/lung/skin/etc cancer without being in any risk category…so can your father, brother, son and uncle. Yeah, I have my panties in a wad because of all the breast cancer ads I have heard today. They all seem to imply that breast cancer is the most devastating diagnosis you can receive. Do people not realize how few women with breast cancer actually die from breast cancer compared to other cancers? Do they know that all women (and men) need a cure for cancer – not only breast cancer victims. I am ready to say “chop off the boob and move on”. I know that is not right and it is just my frustration showing.
Van Aggson said
There is a saying which somehow seems relevant to the friendships that have faded… “Don’t cry because it is over, rejoice because it happened.” and yes, I get the two bonus points. I think I would like to donate them back to you, if that’s OK.
docdude said
2 points to Van! I agree with your saying and that is what I try to always remember.
Lori said
Katherine, dear. You continue to cook and work with food because that’s what people do. Just because you can’t eat it doesn’t mean that drive isn’t there anymore. I have a friend who never eats sugar. Ever. But she makes the most amazing cheesecake I’ve ever had. Why does she do it? For her it’s an expression of her creativity and a gift.
FWIW, I used to donate money to Komen. Not any more after this fiasco. There ARE a lot of other cancer charities out there. I’ll find another.
I’ll take my two points now.
docdude said
2 points to Lori! Okay, so I feel a little better about the cooking…a much better outlook than thinking I am into torturing myself.
Lori said
I hardly think you’re the type to torture yourself. That’s what Jen is for, anyway, right? 🙂
docdude said
Hahahahahahahaha